Image by wayhomestudio on Freepik

I was going to say 1000 words.

I guess if I write 500 it’s only telling half the story! Perhaps you can imagine the rest. Very much like the jigsaw puzzle Wasgij, where you need to use your imagination to piece together the solution.

A novel twist on a traditional puzzle.

Take a look at the photo, above.

What’s going on here?

It could be a scene of three mates watching a football match.

Plain and simple.

However, I don’t think that would make for a good read and it doesn’t illustrate a wild and vivid imagination. The kind of thoughts that really should be kept behind closed doors. But that wouldn’t be much fun, hey.

Imagine what each of the trio is watching. What is the relationship between the three men and what on Earth are they viewing.

It’s not a football match.

Press play on the YouTube song, below, as you continue to read.

The game was cancelled. The mum of the bloke in the middle has decided as a bet that she will take her clothes off after drinking far too much beer.

In despair, the son is shouting: ‘Mum! What the Hell are you doing?’

His friend on the left, Mark, has always fancied his mum and encouraging her to take more clothes off, and paying dollars as she’s going to Las Vegas very soon. There’s nothing like a bundle of cash to get your best friends mum naked.

His cousin on the right, who is visiting from Kilkenny, Ireland, can’t believe what he’s seeing but loving every moment. He’s not making a bet for the game, but taking notes and estimating vital statistics. Definitely a 36-24-36.

As you can see from the facial expressions, the music of Hey Big Spender and The Stripper Song by David Rose blasted from an iPhone.

If the photographer had waited ten more seconds you’d have seen the g-string flying across the room.

Who says a picture tells a 1000 words.

This one took a maximum of three-hundred and forty seven.

Image by master1305 on Freepik

I always remember watching Carry On At Your Convenience (1971) when Sid Plummer got a tip from his pet budgie, Joey, and it won. In fact, the winners kept coming and coming until his bookie, Benny, barred him.

Sid Plummer said: ‘What sort of sportsman are you?’

The bookie replied: ‘If I was a sportsman, I’d be riding the horse!’

True.

Modern-day bookmakers are often criticised, for very good reason. They have turned into accountants who knock any liability on the head. Meaning, any punter who looks to have the slightest chance of winning cash will have their account closed.

Well, it probably won’t be closed, just limited to a point where you will be lucky to place a bet of a couple of quid, best odds guarantee will be removed, all in the hope that you, the punter, will just withdraw your cash and leave the bookmaker too it. I guess from a data point of view it means they don’t have to show they’ve closed thousands of accounts!

A limited account is worse than a closed account.

It really is a poor state of affairs.

It’s cynical the way bookmakers keep the losing punters and make record profits.

You have to question what is happening when a bookmaker won’t even take a few quid on an each-way accumulator.

And the way they pretend to care about welfare issues. I honestly think all these ‘tools’ are simply about protecting the bookmaker. I don’t want anyone to have a gambling problem and it’s good reason why individuals need to be responsible and don’t just bet for fun.

I’ve heard of so many punters struggling to open accounts, having accounts closed or limited, even punters who have lost money (not addicted) have had their accounts closed.

None of this makes much sense.

I think bookmakers are creating a problem for themselves and for punters alike.

I had one bookmaker close my account before I’d even placed a bet. They said: ‘Because of the nature of your business we don’t think it’s in our interest…’

‘Blah, blah, blah.’

You can’t make it up, hey.

I think to keep your account open you have to be conscious of what makes a bookie want to close it. It doesn’t take much have them on your back. I don’t have lots of information to guarantee you won’t have problems.

I would open an account with four or five hundred pounds.

I think it’s best to have routine bets of similar monetary value. The worst problem is trying to trade from one account to another as using the bookmaker account and exchange. If you try to be too clever betting, cashing out you can guarantee you will receive an email detailing your account have been limited. They won’t give you a warning, just the bad news. It’s a real annoyance but you kind of reap what you sow. Although I do think it is a pain.

I’d look to keeping your account pretty level. In that sense, if you are winning a fair amount of money you may want to bet on a loser or two. Ideally, place a bet you think will lose and see if you can lay the bet to lose on the exchanges, hopefully at a similar price. You will need to do this because if you keep winning your account will be limited if not worse.

To be honest, you are better off using exchanges compared to bookmakers because they don’t care whether you win, lose or draw.

I know, at times, it is better or preferable to have a bookmaker’s accounts. And if you do, then make sure you are betting with the mind set that your account will be scrutinised. If you’re a winner, you will need to level it out with a few losers.

Good luck.

There have been books written on this subject.

Here are my thoughts.

Firstly, I would say if you have your own way of working, and it works for you, then still to what you do. Each to their own. To be honest, I wouldn’t advise anyone to do anything without serious consideration of the pros and cons.

From my horse racing betting perspective I’m not keen on any betting staking system that’s just too elaborate. I think anyone can make something difficult. As the saying goes: ‘Keep it simple, stupid.’ Not sure if that should have a comma, as it looks like an insult. It was Kelly Johnson who coined that phrase. I think he worked on spy planes. If it works for him then perhaps it can work for you.

From my experience, it is easy to tie yourself up in knots with complex staking plans, irritated by the consequence of something that is meant to improve your lot and ultimately finances.

My problem with staking plans is how on Earth do you pick between the lines of a good and bad bet? I guess it is based on perceived value. The method may vary from one person to the next so I don’t want to surmise. I would think that most punters would consider a short priced favourite has more hope of winning than an outsider or speculative punt. Who knows? That’s the logic I would consider. But does this work well in practice? After all it is what puts the most money in your pocket rather than win percentage or anything else. I can appreciate why it’s a difficult thing to pin down and why some punters have a variety of strategies. If they have clear data to prove their point then good for them.

However, it makes me wonder if someone is so good a betting most effectively and efficiently then they should, perhaps, bet even more on those selections. Perhaps that’s what they are doing.

I have an issue with the accuracy of most punters selection of best bet compared with a lesser hope.

For example, some of the best bets I have had came from betting on a big prices winners. Let’s say, you have a 50/1 you give half a chance. What do you bet? A fraction of that you would on a 6/4 shot? Is the reality of the winning hope based on the price or assessment of the horse?

Can you pick between the lines?

I don’t think so. In fact, I would suggest that most punters would find more success if they bet level stake across the board. You may think that is a ridiculous idea and to be fair it does depend on your style of betting. That’s why you need to review your selections to have a better idea. It may be a positive to write a diary to consider the thought process.

I’ve found that the best money I have ever made comes from betting level stake when a giant priced winner pops up. It seems much to easy to conclude you should bet more on a favourite and less on an outsider. Perhaps that thought process itself should be questioned. Because I think it lacks logic or understanding.

How many times have those half hopes won at big odds and that banker failed miserably?

Assess your staking strategy by reviewing how you would have fared if betting level stake. If the profits were bigger then it might be a worthwhile option. Also, you save a lot of time and irritation by questioning how much to bet on each selection. It seems an approach which creates problems and builds annoyance. When you have a winner you will be saying: ‘I wish I had put more on that!’ When you have a loser you will be saying: ‘I wish I had put less on that!’

Level stake you say: ‘It is what it is.’

There’s a lot to be said for keeping it simple, stupid.

Assess your data so you’re not the fool.

Photo: Pixabay (free)

I must be getting old because when I played slots as a child they were called one-armed bandits. I was a 70s child. It was a time parents encouraged their children to gamble. I’d change a couple of quid into two pences and try my luck. Penny shove, one-armed bandits and God knows what else.

I had the time of my life.

My brother and I budding gamblers who loved the smell of copper on our hands. We must have been 10 years old. I say that, if you’re thinking, because we are twins.

Mum and Dad smoked, but they wouldn’t allow us to do that or drink alcohol. However, gambling wasn’t barred and it was an important part of our early life. I’m not sure if we were addicted but we enjoyed a good bet.

In those days the fruit machines, one-armed bandits, whatever you called them, didn’t pay out a big big prizes. However, you shouldn’t underestimate their appeal. At the Caister-on-sea holiday camp, run by Ladbrokes, they had a fruit machine which paid either £50 or £100. It may have been £75. Pretty sure it was 10p a go. Four reels. Not sure the theme but remember this one had four black cats.

The holiday camps had a bit of a captive audience. The club was heaving. Our September holiday coincided with Great Yarmouth’s Eastern Festival (three days of top-class horse racing) there were plenty of gamblers in town. Cash on the hip and Lady Luck was everywhere. Lots of belly bearing and easy flares. In the evening, catsuits and the classic bob. I’ve never seen so many people queuing up to go on a fruit machine.

There must have been a line of 20 people.

You’d wait a couple of hours or so to get even a look in. It was literally wait as long as someone’s money lasted or until their willpower cracked. As a child, waiting with my Dad, I was willing each and every person to lose as fast as they could so we would get our turn. Perhaps the adults were thinking the same thing. When our time finally come round, Dad would put the money in and I would press the buttons. It was all good fun. I really loved those fruit machines. It was a special time, father and sons.

I wonder in Las Vegas if people line up to play these progressive slots which pay out millions? If they had one of those at Caister-on-sea the line would have stretched to Great Yarmouth’s Britannia Pier.

We loved our holidays at Caister. Dad went to the horse racing and we’d be about the camp site with mum, eating candyfloss and playing the fruit machines.

I remember we used to go to our local social club in our home town. It was a Buffalo club. It was pretty small and very crowded. We started going there from a similar age with mum and dad. I guess it was cheaper to buy us a couple of cokes than pay for a babysitter. That was back in the day when smoking in pubs and clubs was allowed. The fumes from cigarette and cigar smoke was so thick you couldn’t see across the room. The place had a yellow look about it. I think there was some form of ventilation but it wasn’t up to the job. Smokers revelled in the smog-llike conditions. I’m sure many smoked more to bring it down to zero visibility just to grope the barmaids ample breasts. My eyes stung. It must have been the equivalent to smoking a packet of 20 John Player Special. My clothes literally stunk of nicotine. Stale smoke lingered on your clothes for weeks. People must have thought I was both a heavy smoker and gambler at the age of 10.

Uncle Roy used to go to the club too. He was Dad’s youngest brother and truly a lovely man. Sadly he passed away in his early 40s from a heart attack. I remember he loved a gamble. When he got a win he used to love to press the gamble button to double his payout. We must have had some element of conservation (of money) as I used to keep pressing the collect button. Much to his annoyance.

Uncle Roy would say: ‘Don’t do that!’

It stopped me for a one or two goes but as quick as a flash, I’d press the collect button. I just couldn’t help myself. I’m sure in the end I was made to sit down.

It’s a funny thing that in my older age I don’t enjoy playing fruit machines or slots (an American term). I must have got it out of my system along with smoking and drinking to excess.

Good times.

Photo: Coote 2022

If you’ve never been to a casino then I would suggest to give it a try.

You may be saying: ‘I’m not a gambler. Why would I want to go to a casino?’

I’ve been to a number of casinos and not bet a penny. Obviously, other times I have put my hand in my pocket. Never have I bet more than £60. In fact, I am winning money betting on roulette. You’re probably saying: ‘Are you losing a grand on the slots?’

No.

The first casino I went was Great Yarmouth’s Grosvenor down Marine Parade, a stones throw from Caperdown. There are lots of hotels around that neck of the woods, restaurants and it’s not so far from the pleasure beach.

I do like the venue. Shadingfield Lodge is a Grade II Listed building and it really offers an atmosphere which more modern clubs don’t.

They have a splendid restaurant and a couple of bars. The gaming room is a decent size but not sprawling. Plenty of slots and roulette terminals. Two live roulette tables, three-card poker and blackjack. It is run a very professional manner and the staff are attentive. They have security staff and I have never seen any trouble.

Even if you aren’t into your gambling, I’d pop in for a meal. The menu is good and they have special offers such as a three-course Christmas dinner for £22. The room is elegant, beautiful high ceilings, a bar that sits perfectly in this Victoria setting. As I’ve said plenty of times, join the mailing list and you will get a free bet offer, match bet or discount of some kind which tempts you to give the place a try.

What I would say if you go to the casino is just take it in your stride. Don’t drink too much alcohol. Keep your wits about you and definitely bet small change. Remember, you are responsible for your own actions. Don’t blame your losses on anything other than the house edge or your lack of discipline (if you lose your shirt). It should be pleasurable and it should be.

I can’t remember of I won the first time I went to the casino but I was impressed by the location and venue. I wish my Dad had been alive to go with us as he would have loved it too.

Great Yarmouth is a good place to go fro a gamble. You have the racecourse, casino, arcade, and a lovely circus which is a treat. Plenty of class hotels such as Andover House Hotel and the Ocean Hotel on the front.

Whether a virgin bettor or pro gambler I’d say get to the casino and experience the James Bond life style. Even if you don’t win you may be able to have a brilliant night on a budget. The Grosvenor Casino at Great Yarmouth is a place I would recommend.

What a beautiful place to enjoy win or lose.

Good luck.

Photo: Pixabay (free)